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Beautiful Sex by Lucy-Anne Holmes

Oh M Gee, guess what happened to me?

I HAD SEX!!!!!!!

That’s right, I am the only sex columnist who has sex so rarely she gets the caps lock out when she does. Historically, my sex life falls into one of the following, periods of regular bad sex, epochs of occasional, extremely drunk sex, or sustained stretches of no sex. I have been resting in the latter for some time.

And this sex, that I just had, wasn’t even bad sex. (which is what I refer to when the man’s do da goes straight for the lady place with not much action anywhere else)

And this sex wasn’t even good sex (which is what I call it when I have an orgasm too)

And this sex wasn’t porn star sex (when you are manoeurved into a minimum of 4 positions and you moan like you’re enjoying it)

Nope.

It was none of these.

It was beautiful sex.

What makes me describe it as beautiful sex? Well, it could be the exquisite way he touched me. Ever so gently he explored my whole body. Yes, my whole body…….if you know me, you might want to sit down for this…. even my feet. The most surprising bits of me became power points of arousal. When his fingertips brushed the back of my knee I groaned. ‘Calm down, Lucy, it’s your knee,’ my inner critic said, but I ignored it as he was slowly working his way up my thigh. It could be that we took our time. Oh wow, we took our time. Sexual energy was literally sloshing around my body so that when he eventually nipped at my nipple, blimey, I was drowning. It could be that we looked into each other’s eyes, so I felt connected to him through the whole experience. I sensed his delight in me and in the sex, and I sensed his respect for me and for the act that we were doing together.

So, yes, I’d say that it was beautiful sex.

Now, you’d assume that I’d jump up afterwards and start singing ‘eye eye yippee’, wouldn’t you?

Well, I didn’t.

Far from it.

I cried.

I lay there naked next to him and I wept.

I am so not cool.

‘Why are you crying?’ he asked.

‘I didn’t think I deserved to be touched like that’ I said.

And he kissed me.

And this is where I get a little mournful because the phrase ‘I didn’t think I deserved to be touched like that’ keeps repeating in my mind.

The strange thing is that the words came out of my mouth before I could think about them. And, this may sound ridiculous, but it felt as if my body, which has had a lot of sex, was speaking. The tears felt like a release, as though my body was relieved that it had finally been touched in the way it was supposed to be touched.

I lost my virginity at 14 on a friend’s bathroom floor. It was fumbling and painful and punctuated by me asking whether the condom had split every 30 seconds. I thought I loved the boy. He dumped me a few weeks later. Since then I’ve always been drawn to sex, but always been slightly disappointed. One early long-term relationship was with a man who used a lot of pornography. He treated me like the women in these films. I don’t think either of us knew it could be any different.

I think I was crying for all of this, and for all the sex that was rough, or disconnected, or desensitized by alcohol. For the sex that I didn’t enjoy, or had to imagine a fantasy to ‘enjoy’, the sex where I felt I was acting a part and the sex that made me feel empty after. Somehow being touched tenderly in my sexy areas bought up the sadness of all the times I had allowed myself to not be touched lovingly there.

I’m not blaming the men who I had sex with. Not at all. They were doing the best they could and so was I. But I do think something’s a bit amiss in our society when it comes to this old sex malarkey. I might be wrong, so forgive me, but I get the feeling that England’s not a place where a great deal of beautiful sex occurs. It took me until the age of 35 to find some and then it was in Mallorca, with a German.

For years and years and years, I simply didn’t know that beautiful sex was an option. My mother didn’t tell me. The Catholic school I went to didn’t tell me. No one did. My peers and I were left with the odd VHS porn film to enlighten us as to what sex was all about. Nowadays, it’s online pornography that our young people get their sex education from. And, in my opinion, online porn has made sex ugly.  But I don’t think we should simply tut and blame online pornography. It’s our fault too. It’s our fault for not offering ourselves and our young people an alternative, our fault for not talking honestly about sex and how beautiful it can be.

It seems to me that, as a society, we’ve curiously managed to be obsessed with sex and to ignore it at the same time.

I, for one, would dearly love to see us grab sex back from under the carpet we’ve swept it under, dust it off a bit and start talking about it and celebrating it for the beautiful act it really is.

About Lucy

Writer and campaigner. Currently it is all about sex.

13 comments on “Beautiful Sex by Lucy-Anne Holmes

  1. Positive Sarah
    June 15, 2012

    So with you on this. It’s almost prudish to admit you hate Internet porn, but I do. It’s so hard-faced and dare I say it, dull. And that’s what the boys and girls of today will grow up expecting from their sex lives. We definitely need an alternative. I think that’s why 50 Shades has gone global…not that it’s very well written but it makes you use your imagination – erotica over hardcore ANY day.

    • I know, I find the internet porn situation ghastly…i go into exactly why here if you have a sec
      http://howtostartasexualrevolution.com/2012/04/24/ive-wanked-to-internet-porn/

      now, i haven’t read 50 Shades…should I? is it S and M based? i got the impression it was more S and M and steered clear as i thought, ‘no, i think we should be making sex beautiful, not full of domination and punishment’…but yes, you’re right, reading about erotica seems a much more imaginative alternative than internet porn…

      • Tara
        July 28, 2013

        So you think people who enjoy BDSM are in some way mistaken in their enjoyment of sex? Just because you think that crying because your were treated in a way you deeply enjoyed makes your sex beautiful, doesn’t mean that everyone does, to another person that might have been boring and your reaction an over reaction. You are completely valid in finding this experience beautiful, but a person who enjoys being tied up and slapped around can find the thrill of that sex to be something beautiful too. Beauty is subjective and you shouldn’t dismiss something as ugly just because you yourself don’t enjoy it.

  2. diane
    June 15, 2012

    Such a beautifully-written piece, Lucy. Without wanting to sound like a perv, I look forward to reading more.

    • oh my goodness, i could squidge you! no one ever uses the phrase ‘beautifully written piece’ when talking about my writing…it’s normally ‘oh my frickin shoes! do you have no literary shame?!’ or ‘i could lend you a book on punctuation if you like’ …thank you, Diane, i think i love you…

      • diane
        June 16, 2012

        Feel free to squidge me! Unless that’s a euphemism… 😉 But your writing is so funny and moving and really engaging and interesting, more people should be calling it beautiful!

      • wow, Diane, you make my bottom lip all quivery..x

  3. Susie Day
    June 15, 2012

    Brilliant, brilliant. ‘I didn’t think I deserved to be touched like that’; oh my. I suspect our increasing horror of our own real squishy bodies (versus airbrushy ‘perfection’) contributes to crap sex just as much as porn.

    I am glad you had some beautiful sex. And that you are a sex columnist who not only gets capslocky but also says do-da and lady place. 🙂

    • oh yes, that old obligatory female body loathing thing, i am really, really good at that…although I am working on it and writing about it a lot here http://howtostartasexualrevolution.com/2012/05/09/love-your-boobs/

      (sorry, i’m doing alot of thinking and writing about all this, us girls and our relationships to our bodies, ourselves and sex)

      Thank you for your lovely words….i am glad i had beautiful sex too…..
      yiiiiipppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  4. Keris
    June 16, 2012

    Oh Lucy, this made me well up. Fabulous post. x

  5. Pingback: When Good Sex Goes Bad « Bea

  6. Fran
    October 19, 2012

    Wow Lucy, that article is beautifully written. I think you make a lot of good points, I especially love “It seems to me that, as a society, we’ve curiously managed to be obsessed with sex and to ignore it at the same time.”

    I, too, went through Catholic schooling, and being an all girls school, sex was made out to be a sin and boys were an alien race that we never knew (or shouldn’t know) how to relate to.

    Now, with social media spinning out of control, it seems that sex is shoved in our face on a daily basis – but it certainly isn’t beautiful. I’m glad to know ‘beautiful’ is still out there.

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This entry was posted on June 15, 2012 by in Bea Aroused, Bea Feminist and tagged , .
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