Once upon a time there was a girl. Let’s call her Anthilofloraptus, because I can call her Anthilofloraptus because this is MY STORY. Anna, for short. Anna was a nice girl. She was pretty, smart, funny, and lovely. Anna had a lot of friends, and some of whom she was quite close to. One of those friends was a boy called Jakubromorph. Jack, for short. Anna and Jack were really good friends. Some might even call them best friends. They laughed together, they confided in each other, and they debated on whether Matt Smith and Karen Gillan WERE, indeed, secretly married. One day, in this troublesome tale of mine, Anna and Jack were joking around eating lumps of cheese and watching youtube videos of cats falling down slides when Anna turned to Jack and said, with all sincerity, “You know, Jakubromorph, you really are like the brother I never had.” BLESS ANNA. How CUTE of her. How lovely, how genuine, how showing of their friendship.
BUT SOFT, what light through my window breaks on the floor (or something. hope they have insurance. call autoglass)? Jack apologises and says he has to leave. Fair enough, maybe his grandmother is on fire. Anna shrugs it off. That night, she logs into Facebook and sees THIS:
Jakubromorph ‘Jack for short’ Halluzitath FRIENDZONED. Don’t come moaning at me when you get treated like shit by other boys. You manipulated me and you’re selfish. Have a nice life.
Oh dear oh dear. Jack didn’t speak to Anna ever again, because she didn’t want to be with him.
WHAT A SHAME. WHAT A TOTAL. UTTER. SHAME.
“Friendzoning is when you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, and more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do to get out without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest things a girl can do.”
The term ‘friendzone’ makes me itch, and I despise it. I’m gutted that you, boys who are spouting out friendzone bile, are in the ‘zone’ of ‘friends’ because, shit man, being friends is awful. Being someone to rely on, care for, joke with, have days out with, share with, is total crap. I’m really sorry this has happened to you all. Tossers. Maybe I’m reading too much into this term, and of course feelings can’t be helped (apparently. i don’t really take feelings that seriously. maybe i’m not sentient. new wave of human. what? oh yeah. friendzoning), but I see red every time I see complaints about being friendzoned. ‘Girls are not machines that you put kindness into until sex falls out.’ If you’re only being nice to a girl, and therefore not being yourself around her, in order to have your way with her, then that’s kind of shitty. You’re not being nice to her because you feel like she deserves it. You’re being nice to her in order to get something out of it. Whereas, in fact, she doesn’t owe you anything. She doesn’t owe you her body because you’ve been nice to her. Fuck off. It instantly devalues anything a woman can offer which isn’t sex.
I’m not having a go at all boys/men who are gutted that a girl they like just want to be friends. That’s natural and happens all the time. Rejection sucks, in all forms. To you, if you’re not angry at the girl, I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re a great guy for someone, but just not the right guy for her romantically. I hope you appreciate her feelings and continue to be a really great guy and develop an even more brilliant friendship. I’m having a go at those who after realising the girl doesn’t want a relationship, proceed to chat a load of shite about her; about how she’s a manipulative bitch who leads people on and just uses them to moan at. A girl exercising her right to say no doesn’t mean she’s putting you in a zone away from everyone else and just using you as a pet with a fence to separate you.
The term can be used both ways, but it’s generally used by men, inherently making it a sexist term. Expected rejection reactions for men and women are different. Girls are supposed to be self-deprecating, and wonder what’s not right about themselves. Too fat, too clingy, too not willing, too short. But men, generally (and i hate generalising, so i’m sorry, but i think it fits) are quick to blame the girl. There’s something wrong here.
If a girl is told that she is only seen as a friend, that’s it. In a way, I have quite a bit of respect for the boy when a girl is told that. That shows the boy doesn’t want to get into her pants because he can, because she wants it. In another way, it’s sad that the girl tries to be really really nice and acts differently around him to make him like her. No. Stop. You’re doing it wrong. But when a girl says that to a boy, she’s a total and utter bitch for letting him be nice to her. For letting them be on the same level, instead of being submissive to him. No, she just doesn’t find you attractive. So boo you. You can only ever put YOURSELF in the ‘friendzone’. Suck it up, and move on. She owes you nowt, she appreciated your apparent loveliness and shouldn’t be vilified for not wanting a relationship. You’re not the victim, and I can guarantee she feels a bit shit for not feeling the same way. But what do you want her to do? Pretend? No. LET IT GO.
Just because you’re a ‘nice guy’ doesn’t mean you deserve any girl you want. That’s not an entitlement. It’s just a part of the bullet point list of what a girl looks for in a guy. Funnily enough, forced niceness doesn’t appear. If you like a girl like that, then let your intentions known instead of waiting for her to succumb to your front. Don’t find fault in a girl who thought she had an honest friend. She’s your friend, she LIKES YOU. You’re not in the ‘friendzone’, you’re in a FRIENDSHIP. You know, that good thing. She’s done nothing wrong, you arrogant and egotistical knobhead.
Don’t make girls feel guilty. It’s not cool. I only dig the friendzone if it’s got an electric fence and piranhas. I hope you can swim.