whoever you want to be…

Guest post: Remember the day that I did not exist… by Juliette Prais


Remember the days when mobile phones did not exist? I struggle to do that too.  Without my phone I would feel lost, like I had a part of me missing (I know this is sad but it is true). It is very easy for us to look back smile, laugh or often ridicule the past in what it was lacking. However, today, I too could be likened to a technical appliance that has not yet been invented. In other words I do not exist in reality for many people or I could be seen as invisible. If I label myself I would be classified as a ‘lipstick lesbian’ or a ‘femme’. Some of you may ask what is that? Some of you may ask can I have some of that?

So what is a ‘femme’? Like many other labels the definition is not stagnant. To me being a ‘femme’ means that I am a feminine lesbian who also likes other feminine lesbians. It is not just about how we look but also about how we feel. We are not passive women; we are active. We are powerful and in control of our sexuality. Plus we are women with the same needs and wants as all women.


Juliette Prais: ‘Yes I am real’

As a lipstick lesbian, and yes we do exist, we still live in a society that often does not link us to the ‘real’ lesbian community. It appears that when I came out at the age of 19 that I would need to continue to come out over and over and over again. My coming out was a joyous experience i.e. not filled with the fretful anxiety that can be true and is 99% true when portrayed by the media. Am I therefore an enigma? It sounds glamorous, but it is not.

The easy part for me was coming out to my family and friends. They knew that I had been rather obsessed by girls and were therefore not surprised by the revelation. However, it was the wider world that would begin to question my ‘commitment’ to being a lesbian! As a lesbian who portrays overly feminine qualities people have often been surprised that I am one. Men have been known to say: ‘But you’re too pretty to be a lesbian.’ And the lesbian community have been known to shun me as not being a lesbian. There have been many a time when I (often accompanied by my ‘femme’ girlfriend) have gone to a gay bar and been told that we are too ‘lipstick’ or are not gay!

Well the fact is I am a femme and I am proud, so get over it! I am also confident and outgoing. What about all those who are not? What about those lesbians who firstly had to come out to families and then at work? I would never have believed that coming out in the lesbian community as a lesbian would also be required. I love women on an emotional and sexual level, but I do not love all women. That would make me a bit greedy. We all have individual tastes and desires. The world we live in sees a man and a woman as the ‘main’ coupling type and in the lesbian community the ‘femme-butch’ match is perhaps, or has been, more common. Now in reality all matching types are realistic and of course tastes do change.

I have always been a femme and I am not planning to change my tastes. Furthermore, of all the femmes that I have met, they say that they feel the same and why should they not? As society often still presumes that we are not lesbians it has been extremely hard for women like myself to find other femmes. This is what primarily inspired me to create Pink Lobster Dating: Lipstick Lesbian Catch. A place where we are accepted, understood and where we do not have to ask: ‘Is she a lesbian as she does not fit the stereotype?’

So where do femme lesbians learn that they and we do exist so that we can feel less isolated? Do we read lesbian magazines, where we are occasionally represented? Do we read ‘straight’ magazines, as we are women after all (just have to skip the articles about sex)? Or do we just work it out all by ourselves? I believe that it is vital that we are represented more fairly in the press. We are not a fantasy, a fallacy or a fad. We are real and we are here to stay. My ideal choice magazines would be Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Tatler or Vanity Fair because as a woman I like to read and learn about women. So as a woman should I not be represented?

I found love and here I am today in love with a beautiful, intelligent and dynamic femme. But it was not easy for me! There are officially at least 3 million in the UK who are gay and lesbian, or 1 in 20 women who are lesbians (although I am sure that this figure is a lot greater). Can we really ALL be lumped into one big pot of tastes, desires, wants and needs? No! Niche lesbian dating, I believe is a must, and lipstick lesbian dating more so because, although we are by no means better, we are in fact invisible to many. In this way femmes can at last find a safe haven. I also realise that femmes, like lesbians in general, may still be facing issues of being in the closet or not being certain of their sexuality. On Pink Lobster Dating, there is a variety of quality support and guidance in the form of expert bloggers and professionals. I have created this site in order to make the process of finding other femmes less strenuous. In fact on Pink Lobster Dating I hope that femmes can be empowered to find each other without being invisible.

So I hope that one day we will be able to look back, as we do with mobile phones, and remember the day that we did not exist. I cannot wait to ridicule the past (the current present) and say I remember when people thought lipstick lesbians did not really exist – was that not rather preposterous!


About K

YA writer. Voracious reader. Feminist. Home educator. Addicted to tea and Twitter.


This entry was posted on March 6, 2013 by in Bea Yourself and tagged , , , .
Follow whoever you want to be… on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

%d bloggers like this: